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| WARNING TO MOTHERS!
FAMILY LAW COURT AND THE LEGAL SYSTEM MAY BE HAZARDOUS
TO YOUR HEALTH AND YOUR CHILD'S SAFETY
(Adapted from the MOLC Handbook, March 2001)
INTRODUCTION
Dear Protective Mother,
If you are reading this, we assume you're now facing or
are already embroiled in a custody and/or visitation
battle. This information is designed to help you through
the minefield that has come to be known as family law court.
We're so sorry your child has been hurt. As mothers of
abused children, we understand how excruciating this is
for you and for them. Many of us were also abused as
children. As bad as that abuse was, it is even worse for
us to know we couldn't keep our precious children safe.
Many mothers have learned through painful experiences
that the court system is often not friendly to women and
children who have been victimized. Over the last two decades,
the courts have become biased in favor of abusive men who
seek custody. This is disturbing news, but you need to know
it so you can be ready to meet the challenges that lie ahead.
Some days you may feel as if none of this could be real.
You may feel like Dorothy in Oz, or Alice in Wonderland.
Nothing is as it seems, and most of it is dangerous.
There is important information that you need to know.
We would like to give you some idea of what to expect,
and to assure you that you are not alone. There are many
of us who have started to connect with each other for
support and ideas.
First:
Know the abuser will probably use the court system to
continue the abuse. Cases involving an abuser do not
proceed like other cases.
Second:
Know that, although there are good people in the court
and legal systems, there are also people with prejudices
and biases against women and children. Those people are
not interested in helping you or your child, and may do
just the opposite. Judges and court-related personnel may
claim they want to help you, but in reality they may buy
and sell you and your children to the highest bidder. You
will need to proceed with caution.
Third:
Prepare yourself for a long, drawn-out, nasty fight.
The chilling reality is that abusers often get custody
of their victims. According to Phyllis Chessler in
Mothers On Trial, abusers were getting custody about
70% of the time. You need to be very careful how you
proceed, what you say and how you conduct yourself.
Find ethical and trustworthy people to assist you.
(good luck in this county!)
Finally:
We recommend you try to keep to a balanced schedule
for you and your children. Try to get enough sleep or
rest as you can. Eat as well as you can, and consult
with your doctor about a vitamin program to combat
the stress you are under. We suggest you find a strong
support system, such as family, friends, advocacy
groups that support women and children, your faith
community, and/or trustworthy counselors. Al Anon has
been a helpful support for many of us who are relatives
or spouses of alcoholics. Some of us also found support
in Alcoholics Anonymous if we began to rely on ubstances
to numb our pain. Many of us have found it very helpful
to be in contact with someone else with similar problems
in family law court.
The purpose of these recommendations is to encourage you
to take very good care of yourself, so you can remain
calm under enormous stress. It is important to present
yourself as a reasonable, articulate person to the court
system. It is also important to have the strength to
nurture your child, and to be the best role model possible.
"A nation is not conquered until the hearts of it's women
are on the ground. Then it is done, no matter how brave
it's warriors, nor how strong their weapons." Cheyenne Proverb
Catch 22 Often Awaits Parents in Child Molest Cases
Special Article, by Anne Hart, Excerpted from The Davis
Enterprise, Sunday, October 11, 1998
The term 'protective parent' has recently been coined
to describe a parent who attempts to protect a child
from a violent or incestuous spouse. It appears, at first
glance, to be an apt and descriptive phrase. However, it
is a misnomer.
The parent who seeks to protect his or her child from abuse
often walks innocently into a Catch-22. In fact, some parents
liken it to stepping into a bear trap. Imagine yourself a mother
in this situation:
Your child has a series of terrible symptoms. He has
nightmares, insomnia, maybe regresses in toilet training
and exhibits a host of fears and phobias.
He becomes dissociative (spaced out) and depressed or
out-of-control, even suicidal. You take him to a therapist.
He tells you and the therapist he has been sexually abused
by his father. He is only 4 years old.
The therapist makes a mandatory suspected child abuse report.
You, the non-offending parent, are interviewed at length by the
police. Your child is taken to be interviewed by a team of professionals.
Medical examination shows evidence of penetration.
You are in shock. Your trusted your husband completely.
You become exhausted and overwhelmed from trying to
cope with your child's many symptoms, and are unable to
sleep from your own fear and anxiety. Nevertheless, you
separate from your spouse to protect your child.
You find an attorney, file for divorce and request full custody.
You feel confident that there will be no problem. The
Catch-22 begins. You have entered a world you never knew
existed.
Your soon-to-be ex-spouse finds an aggressive attorney
who goes on the attack. Every day, a blizzard of
incomprehensible paperwork arrives in your mailbox.
You go to a therapist to cope with your own misery,
but your insurance will not pay for the treatment.
You receive notice that the police have closed the
case due to lack of corroboration. The allegations are
considered unsubstantiated or unfounded.
You are called into a series of hearings, in front
of a judge who appears bored, irritated or uninterested.
Your attorney tries to ameliorate the situation, at the
rate of $250 an hour, since he has already spent the
$10,000 retainer you gave him.
A psychological evaluation for the family is ordered,
half of which you must pay. Your child begins to have
temper tantrums.The nursery school calls to say your
child tried to be sexual with another child.
You bank account begins to decline precipitously.
Your job is in jeopardy due to taking time off for
a seemingly endless series of appointments for testing,
mediation and therapy, as well as taking a day off to
cry and sleep.
You take your child to a doctor due to a rash. Evidence
of molest is again found. The police interview your
child, and again close the case.
The psychological evaluation comes back, with no mention
of the sexual abuse. The report states you are alienating
the child from his father. It says you are suffering from
an exotic problem such as Munchhausen's Syndrome by
Proxy or Parental Alienation Syndrome and delusions.
The report states that the only way to save your child
from the effects of your alienating behavior is to place
him in the custody of the father. Suddenly, you find
yourself losing ground rapidly.
The judge makes a ruling that follows the evaluator's
recommendation. Your child is placed into the full
custody of the accused offender. You get to have your
child every other weekend from Friday until Sunday.
You burst into tears, and the judge makes another ruling.
Due to your hysterical behavior, you are ordered to have
only supervised visits.
During the visitation, your child whispers that daddy
is still doing "nasty" things.
Your child receives his own court-appointed attorney.
The attorney for the minor files a motion to suppress
all evidence of molest. The judge agrees, and rules you
may not take your child to a doctor.
Another blizzard of paperwork, motions and hearings occur.
Your visitation time is reduced, and you are barred from going
to the school. Your former husband demands child support
from you. He gets it.
You can no longer afford an attorney, and are forced to
represent yourself. You lose your job because you cannot
concentrate on sales presentations. You learn that your
child is failing in school.
From that point on, everything you do only tightens the
noose. The father chooses a new therapist for the child.
You have heard the therapist is biased in favor of men,
and fear the worst.
The judge still refers to the recommendations of the
psychological evaluation and maintains the custody
arrangements.
The situation can get worse. You file complaints with
the district attorney, the Medical Board, the State
Bar and the Commission on Judicial Performance. They
receive the complaints.
You file an appeal, which costs about $30,000. The
Court of Appeals decides there is no breach of law,
since the judge has broad powers of discretion.
You approach every agency related to children's issues
you can find. Each official says his hands are tied,
and refers you back to the prior agency.
You go to your legislator. He or she is concerned, but
says the branches of government are separate.
You file for bankruptcy.
A gag order is placed on you, so you can no longer
discuss the case. Your friends begin to avoid you,
and no longer return your phone calls.
The visitation supervisor quits, and now you cannot see
your child at all, since the other side will not agree to
the supervisors you suggest.
Your health begins to deteriorate from the ongoing stress.
This scenario sounds impossible. Unfortunately, it is
a true story. It is happening in many parts of the
United States, including California, as documented
in A Mother's Nightmare, Incest by John E..B. Myers,
a professor of law at McGeorge School of Law in
Sacramento; The Hostage Child by Michelle Etlin;
Divorced from Justice by Karen Winner; and Mothers on
Trial by Phyllis Chessler.
These books describe chilling accounts of children
being placed in the custody of the accused offender,
and cut off from the 'protective parent' who loses
everything.
The Catch-22 consists of the following:
You, the non-offending parent, can be charged with
felony child endangerment and arrested for not
protecting the child, if you do not report to the authorities.
However, reporting child sexual abuse triggers a
series of events that often lead to the child being
placed in the custody of the accused offender.
Why is this? The professionals who make the
recommendations and judgments have been educated
to minimize allegations of incest whenever there
is a custody dispute, due to the remote possibility
of a false allegation. Therefore, they often miss
the real allegations.
The result is that the testimony of the young
victim/witness is effectively silenced, and the
child is endangered."
Fear not, for my conscious is clear and I know I have done everything
I could to try to keep my child safe. The court officials, CPS etc. are the ones that will
be held accountable and are negligent, not me.
About Us
We are women who have persevered with living with the "Good ol' boys club" and girls are NOT allowed. We fight in court systems to keep our children. We have been chastised in court that we did not have legal counsel due to lack of income. Most of us have been abused by years from our ex-boyfriends and husbands. Only to find our abusers to use the family court system as a 'guise' to stalk us.
We are no longer going to keep quiet, no longer will we be complacent, no longer will we be abused by the government, social workers, guardian ad litems, family court commissioners, circuit court judges.
Under the list of things your batterer will say to you if you leave him
or try to, #2 is "I'll tell the judge you're a bad mother; you'll lose
custody of the kids." I used to think that was a threat.....5 months
later I learned otherwise, and I'm not alone. There are literally
thousands of mothers losing custody to their ex-abusers. NOT the "good"
fathers who share EQUALLY parenting costs or cares. It's the dad's that
want the mother out of their child's life to "pay her back" for leaving
him. It's the abusive drunk ones who drink and drive with their kids,
threaten their kids they will take away toys or pets. OH....and the #1
on the list of things your batterer will say to you is "If I can't have
you, NO ONE WILL". Thankfully, I believed that one.Please visit www.protectiveparents.com http://www.custodyprepformoms.org/ http://mothers-for-justice.net/ENOUGH IS ENOUGH!
Did you know?
AB279 Becomes Law!
This bill creates a
rebuttable presumption against awarding a parent joint or sole legal custody if
the court finds that the parent has engaged in a pattern or serious incident of
abuse. Signed into law in 2004 by Governor Doyle. Officials in Oconto I guess don't believe in following the letter of the law.
Our History
We started this organization this year 2008 after meeting several mothers and hearing of their heartache and horrors. links:www.endabuse.org
http://www.thepetitionsite.com/1/Free-Elsa-Newman
www.WomensLaw.org
www.thelizlibrary.org
www.1220wkrs.com
www.cbsnews.com
http://www.rrainbowhouse.com
http://www.lundybancroft.com
http://angelfury.org/
http://www.centerforjudicialexcellence.org/
One Mothers Story...
My ex-abuser forged my signature on a court document to gain joint custody. He also had two DUI convictions in less than a year, one in which our child was a passenger. The family court commissioner kept granting more and more custody.  | |
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