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Domestic Violence Frequently Asked Questions
courtesy of Barry Goldstein Esq.
Why do women stay?
This
is probably the most common question about domestic violence, but it
suggests that a woman has a choice between something bad, a man abusing
her, and something good which would be the end of his abuse. In
reality when a man chooses to abuse a woman she must figure out the
lesser of evils. She can stay with the abuser under conditions she
knows to be horrible or attempt to leave and risk unknown evils. 75%
of women killed by their partners are murdered when they attempt to
leave or after they have left. One-half of the homeless population is
women and children who left an abuser. Accordingly to leave risks
serious problems over safety, finances, family support, breaking up a
family and a host of other problems caused by tactics an abuser uses to
maintain control over his partner. The woman is the expert about his
abuse and is best able to figure out how to protect herself and her
children. The question, however, should not be why she stays, but why
would he choose to abuse her.
Why do men abuse their partners?
Men
have grown up in a society where they have learned that they have a
male privilege over women. Many have seen examples of men mistreating
women without any consequences to the man. Behavior and information
received from family, friends, the media and elsewhere supports men's
sense of entitlement. The physical abuse that men use is just one of
many tactics used by men to maintain control over their partners.
Abusers feel entitled to get their own way and therefore justified in
using tactics of abuse.
Isn't much of the abuse caused by drugs and alcohol?
This is a common myth and in
fact part of the reason for the temperance movement was the belief that
eliminating alcohol would stop men from assaulting their wives. In
fact substance abuse is a separate problem from domestic violence.
Many men with substance abuse problems never assault their partners.
Sometimes men may drink to get the "courage" to assault their partners
and in fact assaults are often more severe when committed by a man on
drugs or alcohol. It is dangerous to believe that an abusive man will
become safe by ending his substance abuse. He will still have the
belief that he is entitled to get his way by using various control
tactics.
Is domestic violence caused by mental health problems?
No. Studies show that
men who have been convicted of dv crimes have the same rate of mental
illness as the general population. We would like to believe that men
who commit horrible crimes against their partners must somehow be
crazy. If you read newspaper stories about such crimes, however,
inevitably at the end of the article will appear quotes from friends or
co-workers talking about how easy-going, kind and helpful he was.
Although there are mentally ill men who commit crimes against their
partners, this is a very small percentage of such crimes. Some courts
still make the mistake of using counseling or anger management to
respond to domestic violence crimes. Not only does this not work, but
it sends a message that the man is not responsible for his behavior
because it was caused by a mental or emotional problem.
Is domestic violence increasing or decreasing?
This
is a difficult question because domestic violence is the most
under-reported crime. Accordingly an increase in reports of domestic
violence can come from an atmosphere that improves the chances of dv
crimes being reported as well as an increase in the number of such
crimes. In the mid to late 1970s when society first learned that
domestic violence is so widespread, the response was to blame women,
send them for therapy or make suggestions how they could change their
behavior so they would not be abused. We know this approach did not
work because there was no change in the number of men killing or
seriously injuring their partners. In the 1980s and into the early 90s
society tried an approach of blaming both parties. Cases involving
domestic violence crimes were sent to Family courts where
reconciliation was the object. Often the parties were sent for couples
counseling based on the idea that this was a relationship or
communication problem. Again we know this approach did not work
because there was no decrease in the number of men killing or seriously
injuring their partners. Starting approximately in the mid 1990s more
and more communities started to hold men accountable for their crimes.
This has resulted in a significant reduction of murder and emergency
visits caused by domestic violence crimes. Some communities have even
stopped domestic violence homicides by aggressively enforcing laws
designed to protect victims of domestic violence. These changes have
not been uniform and there are certainly many people, including judges,
who still seek to blame the victim or to blame the relationship instead
of holding the offender accountable. Nevertheless, it is fair to say
that as society makes more efforts to hold men accountable for their
crimes there has been a reduction in domestic violence. There is,
however, still a long way to go.
How can we end domestic violence?
The
criminal justice system certainly has an important role in ending
domestic violence, but they cannot be successful unless all the other
communities do their part. Other communities would include communities
based on ethnicity, geography, religion and employment. The education
community needs not just to teach about domestic violence but to
provide an example of treating women and girls respectfully. The media
needs not only to pay attention to domestic violence issues, but to
stop portraying women as objects. The religious community not only
needs to support victims of domestic violence, but stop pressuring
women to return to abusers. Family and friends need to get the message
to men that abuse is not acceptable and is not a private matter. Only
when all the different communities do their share will domestic
violence be ended.
What are some of the legal tactics that abusers use?
Abusers
seek custody as a way to maintain control over their victim. They seek
joint custody to maintain control or trade for financial
considerations. Abusers use visitation exchanges to continue their
abuse. They hide income and assets to maintain control and punish
women for leaving. They seek mutual orders of protection to nullify an
order obtained by a woman. They create myths that women often make up
false allegations of abuse and particularly sexual abuse to discourage
courts from taking their abuse seriously. They use their superior
resources to hire better, more aggressive attorneys to help win court
cases. Abusers often use false allegations to distract attention from
their own abuse. Judges need to be aware of these abuser tactics and
prevent them from working.
What fact about domestic violence would you most want people to know?
It
is not surprising that children who are directly abused would often
develop a variety of dysfunctional behaviors such as substance abuse,
suicide, crime, drop-out, prostitution, pregnancy and smoking.
Children who witness or are aware of their mother being abused by their
father (or the mother's new partner) are just as likely to develop such
dysfunctional behavior. In other words, domestic violence is another
form of child abuse and should be treated accordingly.
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